UNAUTHORIZED OWNER'S MANUAL UNAUTHORIZED OWNER'S MANUAL This manual is not intended to help you understand the operation and maintenance of your motor vehicle. Rather, it is meant to provide you with invaluable information that would, under normal driving conditions, take most car owners months to discover for themselves. Information that has been painstakingly gleaned from many hours of vehicle operation. THE BASICS The Basics The Boot, the Bonnet & Commander Cooper 4 Detailing 4 Assigned Cabin Seating 4-5 Best Places to Stash Stuff in your MINI Coin Caddy 8 Toll Ticket Cranny 8 Glove/Ice Box Cooling/Heating Feature 8-9 Strategic Golf Club Placement 9 How to Fit a Bike 9 Secret Jogging Key Nook 10 Additional Storage Info 10 Customizing your MINI Motoring Accessories 12 Making Your Own Dashboard Figurines 13 Air Fresheners 14 Cockpit Toggle Switch Conversation Starters 15 Proper Use of Bumper Stickers 15-16 Making Room for Romance in your MINI Public Displays of Affection (P.D.A.) 18 The Backseat: An Introduction 18 Making Out in Your MINI 18 Unisex Chivalry 18 Tips for Shameless Flirting at Red Lights 18 Dating Tips for Married People 19 Unconventional Use of Headlamps to Attract Attention 20 Making Beautiful Music with your MINI Strumming on the Steering Wheel 22 Tapping on the Roof 22 Playing the Tubular Door Bezel 22 Activating the Turn Signals 22 Switching on the Windshield Wipers 22 Accelerator Wah-Wah Pedal 22-23 Essentials of Good Motoring Mojo Jump Starts 26 Acknowledging Fellow Motorers 26-27 Sharing Your MINI 28 Troubleshooting Rotating Your Shorts in Public 30 Four Things You Should Never do to Your MINI 31 Additional Reading 32 BEST PLACES TO STASH STUFF IN YOUR MINI CUSTOMIZING YOUR MINI MAKING ROOM FOR ROMANCE IN YOUR MINI MAKING BEAUTIFUL MUSIC WITH YOUR MINI ESSENTIALS OF GOOD MOTORING MOJO TROUBLESHOOTING 2 3 TROUBLE GOOD MOJO MUSIC ROMANCE CUSTOMIZE STASH BASICS CONTENTS ©2002 The Pollock-Krasner Foundation / Artists Rights Society (ARS), New York The Boot, the Bonnet & Commander Cooper With a British car comes some rather foreign English terminology. The following are a few terms you can now use to impress your "mates": The "boot" is the bit around the back. It's where you stick the cricket bats and the take-away fishn-chips. The "bonnet" is that brilliant piece of sculpted sheet metal symmetry covering the Cooper (S) bits. That's "Commander John Cooper" to you cheeky Yank blokes-- British Racing Royalty's Monarch of Modified Transverse-Mounted Engines, Earl of Acceleration, Duke of Hairpin Turns, Fig. 1 MINI Inkblot Test ­ Seeing bug splatters is a healthy sign you're discovering your MINI's true personality. Fig. 2 Your MINI turns a car wash into a foam party! [Refer to Making Room for Romance Section] 4 5 TROUBLE GOOD MOJO Fig. 3 Beverage Stabilization in Action. Notice how the passenger tilts the cup precisely seven degrees (above) compensating for the centrifugal forces acting upon the beverage as a result of your MINI's tight cornering performance (left). MUSIC ROMANCE Count of Countless Checkered Flags. Translation, mates: this MINI's a real go-er. Nudge, nudge. Wink, wink. Say no more. Good show. Cheers. Detailing How to remove greasy prints, onlooker drool spatters and road grime to restore your MINI's lustrous factory finish: Step 1. Maintain proper perspective. MINI owners do not irrationally obsess about such things. Bug guts on the grille and muddy fenders are signs of a healthy, well-motored life. Imagine it's like tooling around town in a Jackson Pollock original. But every now and then, you may want to start over with a clean canvas. Step 2. Always use a soft sponge and mild biodegradable soap. Land and sea creatures are our friends. Assigned Cabin Seating Technically speaking, everyone motors in a MINI. The conventional nomenclature of "driver" and "passenger" no longer applies because it segregates, implying one is active while another is passive. In a MINI, all are actively engaged in the enjoyment of motoring. However, there are a few specific responsibilities by seat assignment: 1. Pilot/Motorer (a.k.a. El Capitan, Skipper, Mac Daddy). In charge of mechanical functions and direct operation of the motor vehicle. Period. 2. Navigator (a.k.a. Co-Pilot, First Mate, Little Buddy). Responsible for: 1) Navigation. 2) Operation of MINI Magical Motoring Ball (See fig. 12). 3) Fast food drive-thru item checklist and Beverage Stabilization (BevStab). (See Fig. 3). 4) Interior hood release. 5) Also in charge of stowing maps, souvenir snow globes, and scouting for photo op. locations. 3. Passengers (a.k.a. Crew, Backseat Drivers). In a MINI, suggestions from the peanut gallery are encouraged. Motoring is a democratic act. Tyrannical control may lead to mutiny on the highway. 4. Cabin Attendants (a.k.a. Passengers). Responsible for in-flight meal and beverage service. And implementing emergency comedic procedures in event of sudden loss of cabin levity. CUSTOMIZE STASH BASICS THE BASICS THE BASICS THE BASICS BEST PLACES TO STASH STUFF IN YOUR MINI CUSTOMIZING YOUR MINI MINIUSA.COM MAKING ROOM FOR ROMANCE IN YOUR MINI MAKING BEAUTIFUL MUSIC WITH YOUR MINI ESSENTIALS OF GOOD MOTORING MOJO TROUBLESHOOTING Fig. 4 Instead of calling "shotgun", call "slingshot". It's a David and Goliath thing. Your MINI may be small, but it packs a punch. 6 7 TROUBLE GOOD MOJO MUSIC ROMANCE CUSTOMIZE STASH BASICS THE BASICS First things first. This book fits snugly inside the case provided for your factoryauthorized owner's manual, and is designed to be stowed away in the glove box. Or conveniently left about on the coffee table. 1. Coin Caddy Technically engineered as the beverage holder. Reinvented by resourceful you as the handy loose change receptacle. CAUTION: When parking in low-lit urban areas, cover all exposed coinage with cup. 2. Toll Ticket Cranny Your MINI's dashboard console features four vertical slits (two within driver's reach, two for co-pilot assistance) for securing toll receipts and parking stubs. 3. The Glove Box Re-engineered by MINI designers. Because no one really keeps gloves in there anymore. Use it as a CD box. A toolbox. Or turn up the air conditioning, and it's a refrigerated icebox. Fig. 6 Cooling/Heating Glove Box Fig. 7 Use floor space as parking citation crumple zone. 8 9 TROUBLE · · · 4. Door Cubby Accommodates: 1 cell phone, PDA, or Travel Etch-a-Sketch, depending on priorities. 3 pair sunglasses (optimists). 1 collapsible umbrella (pessimists). Cooling/Heating Feature Turns your MINI's glove box into a mini refrigerator for chilling contents to 50° Fahrenheit. For emergency roadside candy bars and spare hero sandwiches. Your MINI goes great with mayo. Or activate the heater to warm contents from soup to nuts. (See Fig. 6) Strategic golf club placement With both rear seats folded down, your MINI can accommodate four golf bags comfortably. Unfortunately, this leaves no room to accommodate a foursome. Recommended: with one rear seat folded down, fit one to two bags lying angled diagonally, and one to two golf buddies seated vertically. How to fit a bike: 1. Adjust passenger's side seat to furthest forward non-reclining position. 2. Remove front wheel. Of BICYCLE! 3. Lay the bike on the side opposite the rear derailleur rotating the handlebars counterclockwise until they are parallel with the cargo area floor. 4. Place front wheel in cargo area and close hatch. GOOD MOJO MUSIC ROMANCE CUSTOMIZE STASH BASICS BEST PLACES TO STASH STUFF IN YOUR MINI BEST PLACES TO STASH STUFF IN YOUR MINI THE BASICS Secret Jogging Key Nook The undercarriage of your MINI features a handy hideaway for stashing cumbersome key sets when you take a break from motoring for a jog, bike ride, or skinnydipping romp in the country. Place your hand just forward of either rear wheel near the rocker panel. Reach up and under the wheel well. You'll find a flat 4"X4" secret spot no one knows about but you. And tens of thousands of fellow U.S. MINI owners. NOTE: Always perform a quick 360° visual scan to make sure no one is watching you. (Fig. 8 & 9) Additional storage information Pizza Capacity: The passenger's side floor accommodates four large pies stacked. BEST PLACES TO STASH STUFF IN YOUR MINI CUSTOMIZING YOUR MINI MAKING ROOM FOR ROMANCE IN YOUR MINI MAKING BEAUTIFUL MUSIC WITH YOUR MINI Fig. 8 & 9 The jogging key nook. ESSENTIALS OF GOOD MOTORING MOJO TROUBLESHOOTING 10 11 TROUBLE GOOD MOJO MUSIC ROMANCE CUSTOMIZE STASH BASICS BEST PLACES TO STASH STUFF IN YOUR MINI Chia Pet® is a registered trademark of Joseph Enterprises, Inc. and is used by permission Fig. 10 The G-Force Chia Pet®: Tilt Chia Pet face down and grow as directed. Then display on dashboard facing forward for realistic pulling-Gs windblown effect. Assembly: 1. Cut out body pattern. 2. Fold together at feet. Connect A and B. 3. Add the iconic head of your choice from your favorite magazines, tabloids and books. 4. Secure to dash. 5. Motor. Ohmmmm. 12 13 TROUBLE GOOD MOJO MUSIC ROMANCE CUSTOMIZE Motoring Accessories Swivel-hipped hula girls and bobbing doggie heads are standard equipment in many automobiles. But as a MINI owner, you may want to consider a few accessory options more suited to your motor vehicle's premium performance prowess. Fig. 11 Making Your Own Dashboard Figurines: The Icons of Good Motoring Mojo STASH BASICS CUSTOMIZING YOUR MINI CUSTOMIZING YOUR MINI Magic 8-Ball® is a trademark owned by and used by permission from Mattel, Inc. ©2002 Mattel, Inc. All rights reserved. Air Fresheners. Nothing beats that new car smell. But life happens. You suddenly take up ferret breeding. Your MINI becomes possessed by the spirit of a recently-deceased skunk. You chauffeur a couple of your alma mater's lacrosse team players who leave their sweaty gear in your backseat. Eventually, you may want to spruce things up: Sprig of Pine. Forget the faux eau-depublic-toilette imitations. The real thing is sweeter, and it's free. Or substitute fresh rosemary from your grocer's produce section. Peel and eat a ripe tangerine. Toss rind portion on floor area of vehicle. Park in direct sun. Fresh-baked chocolate chip cookies. Recommended for first dates. Make them yourself, or hit the bakery on the way to her place. Don't overdo it. It's a subliminal thing. You want her thinking "nice homespun boy", not "Suzie Homemaker". (FEMALE OWNERS: Substitute fine cigars in glove box "humidor" for cookies.) Fig. 12 MINI Magical Motoring Ball. The perfect complement to optional on-board GPS navigation. "Should I supersize my onion rings?" "Signs point to yes." Cockpit Toggle Switch Conversation Starters Refer to your factory-authorized MINI owner's manual to familiarize yourself with the layout of all dashboard instrumentation. Then refer to the pre-printed labels (included with this manual) for your own personalized customization. Proper Use of Bumper Stickers Recommended: 1. Motorer-related stickers function like post cards to strangers from a life welllived: "This car climbed Mt. Washington", "I got my kicks on Route 66", "Bat out of Carlsbad Cavern". (Fig. 13) 2. Law School Alumni window decals will make others think twice about messing with you in a Constitutionallyinappropriate manner. (Fig. 14) Fig. 13 Fig. 14 What it says: You're a magna cum law-abider. 14 15 TROUBLE GOOD MOJO MUSIC ROMANCE CUSTOMIZE STASH BASICS CUSTOMIZING YOUR MINI CUSTOMIZING YOUR MINI THE BASICS Proper Use of Bumper Stickers Discouraged: Sometimes, though we have the best intentions, comedy can backfire in our faces like a cheap gag exploding cigar. As a conscientious law-abiding motorer, always ask yourself: "To whom am I really talking here"? Below, the top three bumper sticker faux pas: BEST PLACES TO STASH STUFF IN YOUR MINI CUSTOMIZING YOUR MINI Fig. 15 Fill in the blank, go directly to jail. MAKING ROOM FOR ROMANCE IN YOUR MINI Fig. 16 An all-time classic bad idea. MAKING BEAUTIFUL MUSIC WITH YOUR MINI ESSENTIALS OF GOOD MOTORING MOJO Fig. 17 Your friends will laugh. `Til it's time to pay the bail. TROUBLESHOOTING 16 17 TROUBLE GOOD MOJO MUSIC ROMANCE CUSTOMIZE STASH BASICS CUSTOMIZING YOUR MINI Fig. 18 Holding hands while shifting lets you motor along in your relationship: First gear. Second gear. Third gear. Nothing but green lights. Fig. 19 0-60 in 8.5 seconds flat. Leave the in-laws, the ex-boyfriends and the caterer at the altar, and elope in your MINI. 18 19 TROUBLE GOOD MOJO Public Displays of Affection (P.D.A.) Highly encouraged. You and your designated significant other take your MINI out for a wash and buff on a bright sunny Sunday for the whole world to see. "Yo, people, get a garage!" The Backseat: An Introduction Your MINI's spacious backseat and rear cargo area means there's plenty of room to comfortably accommodate everything you need to rev up the ...